2005-09-04
matriculate
i need to wear more dangley earrings. i waited most of my preteen existence for the ability (the privilege, not a right) for my mother to deem it appropriate for me to sport them (what a funny verb!). now that i am able, i disregard it! i do not matriculate (i have been thinking that word quite often lately, maybe since i discovered it has roots in the spanish infinitive �to register.�).
i feel a little bit of a queasy pit in my stomach. i am helpless. i like cake. i like a spreading peach sky, like the sun felt like it wanted to stretch out its extremities. can we jump in the lake again? are you using all your sense right now?
i bought pumpkin-scented roomspray. to be used sparingly, i realized. i went a little overboard with it as i yelled along to music in my room this morning. i love doing that! rushes like that are the best! i go wild and it's so fun. i can really love being by myself. take the park- any and all times. it's great.
santa claus came into my work today! and so did two really attractive guys toward the end. my kind of cute. clean cut, but a little rough around the edges. low maintenence. darker, more subdued colors. hesitant smiles, but kind. am i really trying to quantify this?! it's pathetic enough to even think it at times, typing it down, gah. boys are great. i like them. i like the giddy feeling that gets conjured up inside me when i see one that i would like to notice me, and even moreso when they do. i like the furtive glances, the unsteady words exchanged. i don't like coming home and glancing at myself in the mirror as i rinse my hands under the faucet to discover one of my beeyouteefull dangley earrings is and hasbeen MIA from my left ear. how long was it gone? is that my excuse for why they did not follow me to my car and ask me out (doesn't that sound creepy? is there a paradox involved in that i wouldn't say yes under those circumstances in my uptight little mind?)? i think that's what prompted all this in the first place.
flowers alone are proof of goodness. what beautiful creations. the colours, shape, texture; it's raptuous.
even misery has its beauty. i want someone to kiss away my tears, enduring the salt of my sadness, destroying it by taking it into themselves and combatting it with their strength and earnestness that comes from their adoration for me. please don't judge me by this desire or think it pathetic. we all want.
i like making text become vivid in my mind. gatsby pours off the pages and into my head. and it's not about school. that might be the most gracious part.
if i can do that more with the work, make it not about what it's really about and more about my thoughts on it, then that could really be something (how silly, anything could be [and actually already is] "something.").
most of the things where people tack on "it's so [whatever, insert adjective type thing here] that it's not even funny," it's true. it's NOT even funny. but would it have been otherwise...?
hey, blame yourself. you're the one who's actually reading this crap. :P
i feel so contained. either poetic, profound, or random. i'm a lot more than that. this journal certainly has improved a lot over the year, but it lacks some.
and i might be busy enough to not suffice.
there is something you do not know. deal with it.
why is it called cottage cheese? the word that rhymes with it. gosh. stupid hormones. i'm too discreet to elaborate.
yes, it's all time and circumstance. that's what comprises what exists. i am here for those two reasons, explanations. those shall shift. i'll be clumsily searching for the lock to my front door, jutting the key in the area where i think it is as my fingers feel for the form of the distinctive crack that will allow me inside the house. i can't see the lock without the daylight. time and circumstance will morph and evolve, as will the reasons that i grip in the darkness to get in the house. welcome home. you sure were out late. yeah. the "why" will change. i would say i welcome that change, but somehow that seems unright.
yes, we should be open to change. but welcoming suggests that we want and anticipate it. no, we could be content and accept that change is inevitable and can be good for us if we allow it to be, but we must find a sense of contentedness with things as they are.
yeah. right now is good. i like right now.
and right now, i am going to go read. have a good everything. buy me earrrings!
leesah-likes at 11:07 p.m.