2005-04-03
about a boy
today was a pretty crappy sunday.
there's this song by the ataris called "the last song i will ever write about a girl." we can tell ourselves what i want. and yes, this entry is one of my worst, but it's necessary for myself and the fucked up "heeealing processees."
find a reason to smile. look around you, leesah, there are lovely reasons. and then look to your past. there are reasons there, too.
it's the perfect analogy: my heart is fenced, to keep people out now since it doesn't want to be violated. but the fencing is barbed wire. it cuts and scrapes up against the bloody muscle, leaving me raw.
something good will come out of this. i am admittedly very weak right now. i am not and will not bluff. but i trust that that will somehow form itself into strength.
for those that can't comprehend (i don't blame you), it's been almost a month now, and the misery isn't diminished. others can transgress all logic and reasoning to selfishness, but i can't. i am deeply wounded and am really sick of it. i want the pain to vanish, like right now. novocaine for the soul. i cut myself a few weeks ago and i thought the mark would be gone by now, but it's still healing. "these things take time." "it'll pass." fuck that. i'm not angry, though.
why are you sad? he regrets all of these, he takes them for granted and wishes they had never happened.
maybe i'll earn a reputation for exaggerating and "feeling too much" one of these days, but I can't express how good it was, how swell i had it with him for a long time.
i like the memories. i've always been the memoriffic type. it hurts that he would take them all back and not see the wonderful value of each of them. but here i go. just a few, to remind myself, to dig, to smile a little and let the tears slide down the face before my eyes explode.
-there is a black swan at woodland. we dubbed him the prince. we would come so close to touching him sometimes, but i was more afraid.
-there was a mysterious dark mark on the road where we once parked. this was more interesting than i have just conveyed.
-every single airplane that we watched or heard fly by, jossie lane.
-the butterflies i got the first time he held my hand when we were looking up at the sky. my heart was palpitating so hard that i'm surprised he couldn't feel it in my fingers. time didn't exist back then.
-our rain cloud as we watched the lightning
-he described my voice/speaking as a pleasant and serene drone, with all syllables soft and evenly spaced
-the pumpkin he carved for me. that might have been the best morning i have ever had.
-he was the first to say "i love you." this includes the first time when it didn't really count, and the next time when it mattered most.
-we drove in the car so many times, just listening to songs. like "bittersweet symphony."
-he needed a "copilot" to drop off chase after the maze
-i would think about him on the bus rides home, and it sounds caseic but i could feel him thinking about me.
-he met with me one morning before school before i went to see a jeanette rankin actor and he did a physics test. we walked around the houses by the school.
-our wordless communication at Lonepine as I returned various objects to his pocket.
-we had un-planned plans to visit Polson so he could see where i lived and meet friends. i would have showed him the land we own and its incredible view.
-playing games (and being chased) with petie and sean near the church after we went to "the forgotten."
-during that movie, he was holding my hand. then he switched hands and i didn't take the other. he was trying to be smooth about the switch, but i noticed. physical subtleties like that.
-we went to a downtown art shop together and looked at the pictures, and discovered we had pretty similar tastes and could talk about each piece.
-we drove to columbia falls for no apparent reason, and i hurt my ankle.
-amelia's "lord of the rings" movie party
-the pug house
-we talked about books for the english semsester test. i am eternally grateful for that, and how he treated me then.
-eating at charlie wong's on one of our first dates, my shoes didn't match.
-he kept a mini plastic football from the homecoming game we went to
-being sleepy together at the christmas movie party
-watching "the princess bride"
-hearing him talk about his future
-when he would give me jolly ranchers or candy and i would feel a deep sense of pride for him
-when he made me laugh and have a really fun time at woodland before we ran into my mom
-when he finally arrived at eric's house after losing his way. i pretended not to notice, but sean kept trying to get him to put his arm around me.
-when he would squeeze me so tight that it hurt.
-warming up his ears
-he would pop my knuckles.
-when we explored behind conrad's tomb
-witnessing a wedding at woodland
-when he smelled really bad after playing risk at michael's
-when i wrote my poems that no one will ever read
-the humor in "being successful." ...he probably cringes now but should just accept it and be thankful
-his eyebrows, the left side curving up.
-my feet marks that have probably been washed away.
-lots of sunday emails on our plans for the day
-this one is peculiar. i was getting ready for the flathead invitational speech meet. i was upstairs in my room, blasting music and singing and dancing to it (in my underwear, actually! i made up a song about it! "underwear is fun-to-wear.." anways..). then, i looked out my window. he was there, right across my street! standing on the sidewalk, hands in pockets, flipflops on feet. i was so bashful, i never told him. but it made me so happy.
-the guitar players in the gazebo at the conrad mansion
-moving and speeding up to get away from mrs. newgard and her dogs
-he once put his hand behind my head at a pillow as i lay on my tree
-i can't decide which month was best. it's a tossup between that two-week period in august, or november, or december, or january.
-it was really cold and we talked on the swings at elrod after my meet
-he found me wandering in the conrad mansion after julian and petie had already gone back to julian's house. we stayed there for a while and it was blissful.
i am NOT stupid, i am NOT pathetic, i am NOT weak... these are all affirmations in their own way. yeah, this entry really sucks and no one should waste time reading it, but it's mine, and i have to do it for myself.
i don't want to dwell on how astonishingly inhumane and desensitized he is. i don't want to dwell on him in any way whatsoever, actually. but i want the past to stand as remarkable as it is, without any regrets. rewind and fast forward buttons don't exist for good reason. just push play.
i deeply want for him to someday realize what he lost. timelessness. justifiable and realistic giddiness. something warm and cozy. a good time- a great time. something true and sincere from the deepest place. a parter for the sunset rock. a scalp-massager. purity and successfulness. devotion and complete adoration. earnest, caring, hopeful and trying. Me.
leesah-likes at 10:41 p.m.