2005-02-12
lukewarm
What is it to be kind? This is along the line of my desire to be compassionate. I was thing about it today during a moment when I felt like a bad moment. I tried to comically clear my throat and then my meaning was also "comically" interpretted in a way that made me feel really bad. It is the compliation of these fleeting seconds that make me feel as though I should be more than I am. But... what is it to be kind? To care beyond all else with the highest regard? Being nice is so difficult because it is so easily underappreciated or misunderstood. My friend Diana is nice, really nice. But somehow it is flimsy. Olivia as well was one of the kindest colleagues ever. But she was a bit of a pushover at times, taking more than she should have. I offer no examples of either of these cases and acknowledge they have been perceived almost solely by myself, as far as I know. But I would assert that these generalizations would most likely be agreed upon by others. Even Petie, an amazing friend, comes off as cheery in some way that I sometimes fail to appreciate. This point, I realize, is completely my own and is not- and shouldn't be- shared by others.
So contrasting these seemingly good-intentioned people, I fail to see how I can be effectively kind and caring to people without withering parts of my character and consistency in my balance with the world.
Happiness and kindness may be directly related. People are rarely cruel in their joy, unless they are demented. I don't know if the inverse applies. I was sad today. In my sadness (wallowing, it should be called), I struggled to be kind to people.
All I want to do is make someone smile. To see their lips curve upward and know I was the cause. I have deep respect and appreciation for everyone around me, I know I do. All I need now is a way to effective convey it.
This all sounds so cold and stilted. I can't help it. I am guarded around other people, I don't want to win them over or watch them enjoy me. I simply want them as they are within any happiness I can provide. Maybe you don't distinguish these. I don't know, either.
There are things about kind people that I find usually apply to the whole lot. They are chatty, they are simple and light. They don't seek out the implications behind everything and their backs are rollable (this refers to their ability to let issues go- to roll off their backs). I think about the people I know and how nice they are. It only makes me want to be more.
Tonight we went out for ice cream and I smiled at Kyle, even though he put my scoops in reverse order. (By the way, maybe a nice person wouldn't notice a flaw like that... and if they did, they wouldn't point it out.) Today was weird, and hard. I wanted to tell someone how much I appreciated their existence, but I didn't know who or how. Tonight I instantaneously thought of Sean when I heard something that reminded me of him. It was a weird and lukewarm feeling. Sean may be the best example of my desire to be kind. Here is a person, the boyfriend of a best friend and the best fried of a boyfriend, whom I have unknowingly been unkind to. I need to change. I am starting to. Now when I look at Sean, I am reminded about good things about him instead of the bad things he reminds me of in myself. This approach is less selfish and seems like a better option all around.
Maybe that's what I have to do to be nicer. Change the way I think. Be more considerate, if possible. Care less for myself. These past few days I've been feeling kind of crappy, and now I'm worrying about my brother because there isn't much else to do. Maybe turning outward will improve me inward.
It's hard to let go of oneself. I'll just get it all out. This next week will be fun. I will see a movie, take walks, and supposedly celebrate a holiday. I'll get better. I sang to myself in the playground, very quietly so no one could hear. I also swang, hours beforehard. I am, to say the least, familiar with bliss.
Elena was nervous during her theatrical debut, she said, but you would not have known. She absorbs it all inward, just like her big sister. She was a cute witch with a poofy skirt, and they had altered the storyline so that instead of being a child-eater, she was a vegetarian.
When I go on my vacation, I will get to sleep in the same room as my grandmother. I have been thinking about her lately. I miss her dearly. She is incredible in how she treats me and how special she makes me feel. She said Lisa, write me a letter telling me all about what you are going to become when you are older. She wants to know my future. I don't know what to tell her, I really don't.
Being kind is going to be really, really hard. That sounds wrong, but I know it isn't. I will just have to be patient toward myself and absorb those bad feelings toward myself that I sometimes get, because they only make me less motivated to be nice and more prone to shut away from others, even those I care about the most.
It's almost time to go to sleep. My throat has that heavy feeling in it, even though I haven't really been crying. I need a bubble bath, but for different purposes than one who knows me may expect. There might not be any purpose at all.
leesah-likes at 10:18 p.m.