2009-08-13
popping off
I took off my bracelets before I started typing this. Kind of like popping off, haha. I find it funny that this is difficult for me. Maybe because I've developed resentment for diary-ing over time. At first, I think, I think it was because I found it disgustingly narcissistic. Next, it was because "words just aren't enough to express all that I feel." Which is essentially a disappointing blend of ineptitude and feigned profundity. Haha, those last two words are so pretentious right there. Writing isn't a craft, it's a joke. So says the uber-conscious one. See, for whatever reasons I've sought out journaling in the past, be they noble or selfish or whatever, it somehow did help, in the end. Just to create some sense, some meaning... even if the outputs are neither sensible nor meaningful.
My latest aversion to writing has been partly philosophically based. You see, I went on an ancient philosophy binge last summer. I was getting over this guy I had dated, someone who did a really good job enamoring me by promoting (his skewed, naive interpretation of) the sage words of figures like Plato and Aristotle. Did you know that Socrates actually never wrote anything down? Penning a thought, reducing it and subjecting it to the crude nature of a one-dimensional representation, that just murdered it. You do not reap your best seeds. Some bullshit like that; I've actually forgotten the exact reasoning. I took notes last summer on this stuff, lots of notes. Yeah this sounds dumb and unfounded but I don't care. I'll look it up later.
The aforementioned (love that word, it's such like a three-in-one combo deal, deja vu oh that so sounds like something I would say slash have said before... writing out "slash" sure is obnoxious... damned parentheses so self-indulgent) aversion also is for social reasons. I've felt, especially lately, a pressing need to express my emotions to others, to be intimate and share myself through imparting my feelings and impressions. Basically- if you have friends, there should be no great need to journal. The journal, from this point of view, is like a crutch, like a way to sidestep being earnest/honest with others about how I truly feel. I can just work a feeling out my writing it out; I can reason my way through it.. but then I lose the rewarding feeling of engaging someone else in the problem. I mean, confiding in others is a great way to make/build friendships. It makes people feel privileged, like you value them enough to ask for their opinion. Everyone loves being solicited for advice, even if they don't have good answers. And everyone loves being exposed to others vulnerabilities... they feel (cynical as I know this is to say) like juicy little secrets and reminders that other people struggle as well, that we are not the only ones who sometimes have it sucky. Like sometimes I'll call Petie (or she'll do this to me) when I'm really distressed, and leave a frantic sad voicemail. And then when she gets back to me later, I've already someone worked it out for myself, and I'd actually rather not re-hash the situation because it feels counter-productive because at that point I just want to let it go and move on.
But I'm onto a new reformation... something that synthesizes some of this past stuff. Ok yes, journaling can be narcissistic, but I'm ok with that, so long as I'm honest with myself and I have a personal disclaimer not to take myself too seriously or dramatically. I trust that I can do that. And yes, sometimes language is a pithy, pathetic attempt to approximate something that feels really frustratingly vague and abstract... but that's ok. I'd rather try than not, because furthermore, although old Mister Socky-Socs might be right (he usually is, just not in the ways that one guy thought he was), writing get us (me!) somewhere. Writing down a thought attempts to represent one facet of it. And it's notlike writing will keep me from thinking- if anything, it might propagate and encourage my thoughts. Maybe Socs was just lazy, leaving Plato with all that scribing. And yeah, about the social part, as valid as that point sounds, I'm having a tough time communicating with some people, and maybe that's because I've been feeling too self-conscious about my thoughts/feelings not being polished/articulate enough. This can be a domain for sorting some of that out before I try it out on people. I mean, I'm not really problem-solving here anyway. Just kind of meandering. So this is probably me rallying my internal troops, to be pressed and prepared to somehow dictate and describe some of the activities going on between my ears. And I think I'm kind of ready to begin.
leesah-likes at 12:30 a.m.