***

leesah-likes

(a memoir)

#09

2007-06-08

amiss

We’re on Mike’s bed, but it doesn’t matter now, as it is debunked and de-sheeted, with just the bare vinyl mattress under us besides a spare blanket. This bed has lost its allure now that it is no longer your roommate’s domain but rather a place to catch a few hours of rest before flying out the next day, flying out and away. It used to taunt me, stacked above yours, higher up and out of bounds. I wanted us on prohibited ground, half out of jest, but the rest as a hidden honesty of always playing by the rules throughout childhood. Well, we’re here now, me laying across your lap and you with your back against the wall, occupying your hands in my hair. There’s some silence, nothing too daunting, but another thing in the room besides me and you. You’ll leave before I do, you’re leaving tomorrow morning. You’re spending your final hours with me, and I don’t know if it’s because most of your friends have left or if it’s because you’re soaking in these moments. I’m moving awkwardly toward you, you laugh at my laugh of grace. Absorb it- not for another few months. I touch your face real funny and tell you I won’t get to touch someone like that again for a while so I want to while I can.
Soon we run out of fidgeting and small speculations about our summers. Soon it’s just me laying there as you sit and look at my face, at least I think you’re looking at my face but I’m not sure because I’m not looking at yours. I’m avoiding it, I’m looking first all the way over to the far right, gazing off, mostly trying not to cry because I sense the buildup. I don’t want you to watch me shed tears- I don’t know why not but at the same time somehow for so many reasons. I turn my head quickly to the left without stopping at you for a glance in between- I can’t do it. I hear your breath. You must be looking at me. I’m sorry. I’m sorry we both have to go. I haven’t done this before, I’m not sure how it works. A few spare phone calls and sporadic post cards, perhaps. I guess we’ll find out. But as you take me into you for one more moment, in a tight hold with sweetly pressed lips, I can’t help but want to sustain us here forever. Screw roller coasters and pools. Let us stay in Mike’s vinyl mattress and I’ll bring myself to look at your longing face and hold us there for as long as we can stay before we find ourselves five states away. I’ll miss you.

leesah-likes at 11:44 p.m.

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